We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize