Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I wear drunk well.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
