You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
