I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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