It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
