My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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