hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
