I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
