Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
