I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
