Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
