my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
