Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
