i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
