i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
how drunk are you?
Several
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
