yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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