I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
