Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
