Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
