Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
