i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
