Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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