looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
