i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
