we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
