I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
