I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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