I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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