my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
