Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
