I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
