this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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