I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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