Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
