Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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