I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
