I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
