you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
