**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
