This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
