mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
