just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
