When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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