Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
