When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
