First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
