I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
