highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
