Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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