about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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