my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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