I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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