I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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