Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize