I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I would ride that face into the sunset
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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