Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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