So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
